Fine
by McGeekle
Summary: "I am not fine, that much I know. I have not been fine for a long time, and I will never be again." Tony helps Ziva through a tough time post Truth or Consequences.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story comes from a pretty personal place for me. I felt like a good way for me to wrap my head around my experience would be to write through it, which is exactly what I ended up doing. I hope you enjoy this story, and that my catharsis forms a good, in character story. ~Em

* * *

Tony walked down a back alley-like street near his apartment, for once dressed less than to the nines, to go have a drink with his buddies. It had been two months since they had returned from Somalia, and they had been bugging him incessantly to come out with them. He shook his head as he walked further into fairly sketchy territory, they really were a bad influence on him sometimes. He couldn't blame them, though. He had become so occupied with work he didn't have much time to be out making irresponsible decisions for which he knew he would be head slapped in the morning.

As he walked through the end of the alleyway, he spotted something that should not be, a woman, sitting in the fetal position against the wall of the bar. He approached her slowly, checking to make sure that she was okay, but when he saw who was sitting in the dark, grungy alleyway, his heart stopped. Ziva. It was Ziva, with her head leaning against the wall behind her, arms hugging her legs to her chest. Her hair was falling out of the tight ponytail she had adopted as of late, and her clothes that were always so neat and fitted were hanging loose on her frame, slightly dirtied from the cool DC ground. Most disturbing, however, was her face. It was completely blank. It held no sadness, no anger, not even the steely Mossad expression she so often wore to hide anything and everything she felt, it was just emotionless, lost almost.

Tony knelt down to look at her eye level.

"Ziva?" He said, refraining from touching her just yet. She slowly met his eyes, and he was even more saddened by what he saw there. Her face was pale, much paler than it should have been, which emphasized the dark bags that formed under her eyes. Her eyes themselves, they were as void of emotion as the rest of her face. He saw recognition in her eyes, but nothing else. He reached up to touch her face, and still she gave him no response. It was worse than he thought.

"Tony," she said. "What are you doing here?" He could smell the alcohol on her breath. Tequila, if he really wanted to be particular.

"I was on my way to the bar when I found you. I think the better question is why you're here."

She seemed to contemplate his question for a moment before responding. "I needed to be away. So I went to the bar, but then they sliced me off, and I sat down here. I saw no reason to get up, so here I am now." He wisely chose to let that one slip by.

"How long have you been here?"

"I do not know"

"How long were you planning on staying here?"

"As long as I needed to. Maybe forever." she said, dropping her head so that it rested on her knees. That didn't sound good. He struggled with what to ask her next, both craving and dreading any kind of emotional response.

"Zi, why are you here?"

"Because I want to be here." she answered, still talking to her thighs, head resting on her knees.

"And why is that?"

"I do not want to be anywhere else." That one took him aback. He wasn't quite sure what to say. What did she mean by that?

"What do you mean by that?" He said lacking a more appropriate response.

"I do not want to be anywhere anymore." He took a deep breath, trying to remain as calm as possible, which was quickly becoming more and more difficult as he realized what she was talking about.

"Anywhere in DC, or anywhere in the US..." She lifted her head up and released her legs, allowing them to fall into a butterfly position on the ground. She took his face in her hands and said, "I do not want to be here, or anywhere anymore. Never again."

"Do you really mean that?" He asked, still crouching in the same spot in the alley.

"I do not know. I think so. All I know is that I do not want anyone to see me like this anymore."

"Like what, Zi, because I want to help you, you just have to give me something here. What is so wrong that you're sitting drunk in an alleyway talking about ending it?"

She took a while to think about his question. Whether it was the tequila muddling up her brain or a serious contemplation he wasn't sure. He adjusted his position so that he was sitting directly in front of her, their knees touching lightly, settling himself in for a long haul. When she finally answered, he wasn't sure if he should be relieved or terrified.

"I am tired." She said, her voice cracking slightly, her eyes filling with tears he knew she would fight to keep from falling. "I am tired of fighting, tired of remembering, and tired of pretending. I am not fine, Tony. I am not fine and I do not know how to fix it." He remained silent as she took a breath to speak again. "All I want is to be fine, I want to be able to tell you the truth when you ask me how I am, but I cannot. I must soldier on." Tony watched as she squeezed her eyelids tightly together, twin tears falling down her cheeks.

"No one said you have to be fine, Zi. No one expects you to be the same person you were."

"But that is what I want. I want to be the same as before. But I cannot do that. I cannot be the same ever again." Her voice was cracking even more, the tears flowing faster than before as she fought to stay in control of her emotions.

"Zi, it's okay if you aren't the same. We will all love you just the same." He said as she wiped her eyes with her sleeve "Now, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to give me an honest answer, okay?" she simply nodded. "How are you?"

"I am not fine, that much I know. I have not been fine for a long time, and I will never be again."

"Okay." He said.

"Okay?" She said, looking at him skeptically

"Thank you for being honest with me. It's okay that you're not fine. I get it I know I will never know what you've gone through, but I do understand a little bit of what you're feeling. "

"You've felt like all hope is lost for recovery? Like you could just disappear and no one would be worse off?"

"I have, and not all that long ago, either."

"When?"

"I'll tell you the story, but you have to let me take you home first."

"I do not want to go home."

"I'll bring you to my apartment then."

"Just leave me here, Tony. Your life will be far more simple for doing so."

"Zi, if you think that I'm going to leave you sitting in an alleyway in downtown DC in the middle of the night, you're crazy."

"That's the problem, is it not?" she said self deprecatingly.

"You're not crazy, you're just lost."

"But I am. You just said so yourself."

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Now come home with me."

"Funny that I can get you to say that now." she said.

"What?"

"Nothing. I do not want to go anywhere. You should just go."

"Well I'm not gonna do that, so you can go with me, or we can sit here until you decide where you want to go."

She remained silent as he moved so that he was sitting beside her, knees bent leaning up against the wall. She didn't even cast him a glance as they sat staring at the dirty brick walls of the alley. Now all there was to do was wait.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This is a pretty short chapter, almost filler, but it's where my brain took me, so there you have it. :) Thank you so much to everyone who is reading and reviewing, I truly appreciate it. ~Em

Disclaimer: NCIS is not mine.

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Tony wasn't really sure how long they'd been sitting there. He lost track of time watching traces of emotion flick across Ziva's face. It was never much, no changes in her expression, simply a flash of sadness or fear in her eyes from time to time. He kept silent, deciding that she should be the one to make the first move. He had never gotten anywhere by pushing her, and now was no different. As he saw the conflict play out in her eyes once again he couldn't help but think, "How could I have missed this?" She was in pain, palpable pain, and he had somehow glazed over it as though nothing was wrong, as though she hadn't been held captive for three months. As though she hadn't been tortured god knows how.

He shook his head, mentally headslapping himself for not seeing his partner's need for someone to reach out to her; her need for him to climb up that wall she built up, jump into the lion's den and help her fight an impossible battle. One battle that he knew she would fight tooth and nail, or rather stapler and paperclip, to keep him out of.

All the while he continued to watch her, waiting for her to make a decision, to say something, hell, even to look at him. A good long while after they faded into silence Ziva turned to him and said "You should go."

"What?" he asked surprised not only by what she said, but by the fact that she said it at all.

"You came here for a reason. You must have something to do. You should go." she said.

He stared at her incredulously for a moment before replying, "Zi, you are way more important to me than anything I need to do right now."

"Tony, please go. I will move when I am ready. You should go far away and be happy." Her eyes were pleading, but her voice and expression remained blank.

"I'm not leaving you." He said firmly. She sank back to her position curled up against the wall, turning to face the wall in front of her once again.

"Fine." she said "But I am not ready to go yet, and I do not know when that will be."

"That's okay," he said. "I'll wait with you until you are."

And with that they collapsed into silence once again.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update! It's currently the week before finals, and I'm out of my mind with stuff to do. I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. ~Em

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS.

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It was not long after they fell into silence that Ziva spoke again. Her voice was tentative and nervous, a tone that Tony was sure he had never heard before.

"I think I am ready to move now," she said still staring straight ahead.

"Okay," Tony said getting up. "Where would you like to go?"

"I do not know. Not home," she said as she shook her head.

"Okay, well what do you say you come back to my apartment, or if you'd like, I could bring you to Gibbs' house, whichever you'd like."

"Not Gibbs," she said forcefully "It is bad enough you found me like this, I do not want him to worry as well."

"I don't think he would mind, Zi. He just wants the best for you."

"Not Gibbs. Not right now. He can't know. He can't." Ziva looked u at him with pleading eyes, a panic in them he rarely heard, reserved mostly for life and death situations. She shook her head tightly, waiting for him to respond.

"Okay, it's okay." he said kneeling down and taking her face in his hands. "I won't tell Gibbs, okay?"

She simply nodded in response.

"Are you alright to move now?"

She nodded once again.

"Okay then ninja, let's make our way back home." He saw her eyes widen in alarm "To my home." he clarified. As he saw her relax he stood up, offering her his hand so that she could do the same. She refused to take it, attempting to stand on her own. She almost made it before wobbling and nearly falling down before Tony caught her, holding her close to him. She was even more drunk than he thought. She leaned most of her weight on him as she stumbled with Tony back to his apartment, taking so much time on the stairs that Tony scooped her up bridal style (much to her protest) and carried her the rest of the way.

When Tony finally managed to get Ziva into the apartment, he carried her over to his couch, setting her down gently as she curled up into a ball once again, leaning up against the arm rest. She placed her chin down on her knees, staring straight ahead. Tony watched her for a few minutes wondering if she would do anything at all. When she remained still, he sat down on the couch directly in front of her and waited for her to look at him. She was zoned out again, her eyes blank and glassy. He gently stroked her cheek with his finger, trying to bring her back to him. He watched as her eyes came back into focus, meeting his and holding his gaze for the first time that night.

"Are we going to talk about this?" she asked him softly.

"I'd like to, yeah. But we don't have to right now, not unless you're ready."

"I do not know if I will ever be ready."

"I know."

She took a deep breath. She seemed to contemplate the repercussions of talking. She bit her fingernail and began to rock back and forth slightly in her thought. He saw tears begin to well in her eyes before she said "I do not know if I can."

"You can. It's like ripping off a band aid. It only hurts for a second, stings for a bit after, but after it's done, the wound underneath it's healed."

"There are not enough band aids in the world to fix this, Tony," she paused before continuing on. "And you are wrong. It is not like a band aid at all. It is painful all time. Talking about it will not be like healing the wounds, it will be ripping them open and having them bleed all over again. It does not sting, it throbs all the time. From the moment that I wake up in the morning, my body aches. With every step I take I can feel the damage that has been done to my body. It hurts all day and when I try to take that pain away, to go to sleep at night and all I can see is his face."

He watched her in silence. Tears were streaming down her face, her voice cracking with emotion as she confessed what he imagined was only a small fraction of her pain with him. He couldn't move, only stare as she did to him as she told her story.

"All I can see. All I can see is him. I can smell him too. I can smell the cell, the desert, stench of unwashed men. I cannot close my eyes without being brought back there. All I want is for it to stop." He heard the dam break as her tears became sobs, and Tony was snapped out of his trance. He cradled Ziva to his chest, her sobs racking her body and his. Her tears soaked through his shirt as she cried. He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tight hoping to take some of her pain away.

She continued to cry and mutter "I just want it to stop" for almost an hour before her sobs calmed down and her body relaxed out of exhaustion. He carefully picked her up and carried her to his bed, carefully removing her shoes and jacket and finding her some clothes of his to wear. He settled on a pair of sweatpants and an old NCIS t-shirt. She looked at him helplessly, too tired and intoxicated to even attempt undressing herself. He gently removed and dressed her one piece of clothing at a time before tucking her in and kissing her on the forehead.

"Sleep," he said. "I'll be on the couch if you need anything, okay?"

"No," she said. "Stay here with me."

"Ziva, I don't know if that's the best..."

"Please?" she asked, her voice hoarse and fragile.

He slid into bed next to her, laying on his side facing her. She took his hand in hers, lacing their fingers together before slowly closing her eyes and falling into a deep sleep.

* * *

As soon as he was sure Ziva was asleep, Tony crept out of the room to call Gibbs. Privacy be damned, he needed to know what was going on in her head. For all he knew, Gibbs could be a much bigger help to her than he could. He paced back and forth in his living room while he dialed,even more anxious than he had been before. Gibbs picked up on the first ring, he always did.

"Yeah, Gibbs."

"Hey Boss."

"DiNozzo, what's wrong?"

"It's Ziva, Boss."

"Is she alright?" Tony could hear Gibbs moving around in the basement, preparing to take off if need be.

"Uhm...I don't really know how to answer that question. It's kind of a long story."

"Well then why don't you start at the beginning and tell me."

"Boss, I found Ziva drunk in an alleyway, and I mean drunk. With like five u's and three k's. I tried to talk to her and she just kept saying that she didn't want to be here anymore, she didn't want to be anywhere anymore. She was catatonic, Boss. I've never seen her like that. I sat with her for a while, and eventually got her to calm down and come back to my place."

"Where is she now?"

"Asleep in my bedroom."

"Good. What do you need me to do?"

"Well, nothing, I just...I thought you should know."

"I'm guessing there's a but coming."

"Yeah, she didn't want me to tell you."

"I don't know, she didn't really say." he could hear Gibbs sigh on the other end of the line.

_What is __going on in that head of yours, Ziver?_ He thought.

After a bit of a pause, Gibbs heard "Boss?"

"You take care of her, DiNozzo. I don't need to see either of you tomorrow."

"Okay, thanks, Boss."

The two hung up without another word. A small weight lifted off his chest, Tony crept back into his bed next to Ziva, thinking about the morning that was to come.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey kids. It's been quite some time since I've updated this story, huh? I'm sorry about that. I don't really have a good excuse except for the fact that somehow I am writing 3 fics at the same time. I don't know in what universe _that_ sounded like a good idea, but whatever. I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to update and thank you to everyone who is sticking with me! ~Em

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The next time Tony awakened, it was with a blow to the stomach. He felt a sudden surge of pain, and the wind left his lungs with an odd combination of a wheeze and a grunt. He awoke with a start, trying to clear his mind quickly in case he had to fight for his life. _It wouldn't be the first time,_ He thought. He looked around quickly, almost violently in his haste to find the cause of what was sure to be a hefty bruise on his abdomen. As Tony gained his bearings, he remembered that he was not alone tonight.

His eyes fell to Ziva, who was tangled in his bed sheets. She was making soft whimpering noises as though she was in pain, and thrashing every few seconds like she was trying to ward off an attacker. He could see tears running down her cheeks even from feet away. He dared to get closer to see if she had done herself any harm. Thankfully he could see no signs she had hurt herself, but he noticed she was in a cold sweat, so much so that little rivulets of sweat were making their way down her forehead and neck. He just stared at her, wondering what the hell could be so wrong that..._she's having a flashback. _The realization hit him so hard he wondered why he hadn't thought of it before. But what the hell was he supposed to do about it? He couldn't just leave her like that, letting her continue in the obvious pain she was in.

"Ziva." He said. No response. "Ziva" he tried again, but still no response. He took a deep breath and braced himself before gently touching her shoulder as he said her name again. Mistake.

She let out an ungodly scream before grabbing him and throwing them both off of the bed. She straddled his torso, clenching her legs tightly around him to prevent his escape. Her eyes flew open in terror as she struck Tony across the face. Tony grabbed both of her arms to keep her from hitting him again, but she only screamed louder. He looked into her eyes as she struggled with him, and as he suspected, they were blank and distant as they were when he found her earlier that night. He began to panic, not knowing what he could do to stop this, to fix it, he resorted to yelling.

"ZIVA! ZIVA! IT'S TONY! IT'S TONY. YOU'RE SAFE." He tried. He saw her falter slightly, her screaming ceased so she could hear him.

"Okay. That's good. Ziva, you are not in Somalia. Saleem is dead. It's me, Tony. You're safe in my apartment. Do you remember?"

She was breathing heavily, and gasped out "Tony?"

"Yeah, Zi. Come back to me." He let go of her wrists as he saw some of the life come back into her eyes. She looked down at him teary-eyed. She swallowed noticeably, choking back her tears as he said,"Hi."

She opened her mouth to say something in return before quickly throwing her hand to her mouth and running to the bathroom. He heard her retching not far away and got up to follow with a small groan of pain. As soon as he reached her he took her hair in his hands as she emptied her stomach, partially from the stress of the nightmare and partially because of the tequila. As she finished retching he helped Ziva rinse her mouth out with water and a bit of mouthwash and sat them down on the cool tile of his bathroom floor. He leaned back resting up against his bathtub and Ziva against his chest. She was breathing heavily as she curled up into a ball against him before her tears began once again. Tony wrapped his arms around her for the second time that evening and allowed her to bury her face into his chest until he heard her breathing even out as thankfully she succumbed to sleep.

Tony gently picked Ziva up, careful not to disturb her and brought her back to bed. He settled her back in to get a few more hours rest before once again climbing under the covers himself, hoping that when he woke up it will have all been a dream.


End file.
